dead. [Sat/Dec/2009 at 11:35am] sikismic I'm so different from who I used to be...I'm not lamenting that. I realize now that trying to hold on to the past is like trying to hold water in your hands...sure, you're hands are wet, but it's nothing like what you wanted. The last...I don't know...five break up's between Chris and I numbed me to apathy about his feelings concerning people he didn't like or things he didn't like me doing. I don't feel like I was wrong in any of my actions except for allowing us to continue dating for as long as we did without taking that apathy into account. I also wasn't honest about that apathy; not to him or myself. Dishonesty to someone you care about is a horrible thing. It screws everything up. I'm not making that mistake again. I started hiding my actions as a way to avoid conflict but to not change my lifestyle. This makes a big difference in the big scheme of things; ends up turning you into more of a liar than you can imagine. As a way to validate my life now (and because I grew so weary of being ashamed of where I was just because of someone else's opinion) I take pictures of nearly all aspects of my life. And they go on Facebook. And I want everyone to see what my life is like now. And I want to be able to see how much better my life is compared to where I was. I'm not hiding anymore. I will not bow my head in submission. I will be strong. I will be happy. I'm still sad. Still insecure about countless things that don't make sense. But, by god, I've gone 53 days without purging. And the times I have binged in those 53 days, I've gotten through the hours of urges in a way I never thought I could get through 53 days before. 010 SO SiCK!!!

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